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“I feel lost, and I don’t know if this pain will ever leave me…..”

I  was abused from age 7 to 20. No one in my life knows except doctors/counsellors/helplines or the occasional Samaritan. I carry on every day like I'm absolutely fine. No one would ever know.   It's almost like having two lives which makes me very sad. I was...

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Poem by Michelle

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I Came as a Survivor, now I am an Ambassador

I initially came to foundation as a survivor that needed help. The only service that was helping me at the time was recovery, I had been laughed at by a few police officers and a member of the council had labelled me she was at that children’s home a home where I was...

I still struggle with the frustrations that the police did a ‘half-assed’ job and that monster is still walking the streets, free to do whatever he likes…..

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story. It has been almost 11 years since this happened to me, and I have never tried to deal with it. I just tucked it away in a little box in my mind and hoped that it would go away. Recently I took the first steps...

“I feel lost, and I don’t know if this pain will ever leave me…..”

Categories - Survivor Stories

I  was abused from age 7 to 20. No one in my life knows except doctors/counsellors/helplines or the occasional Samaritan.

I carry on every day like I’m absolutely fine. No one would ever know.

 

It’s almost like having two lives which makes me very sad.

I was abused by neighbours a few doors up. There were 2 main abusers and lots more over the years some of whom I remember, I have a lot of memory but blanks too.

I was abused in their house/van/outside/old war bunker/ upstairs above a shop and more.

 

There were no other children involved as far as I knew  ( I’m very aware there could have been others I have never known about but I’ll never know) it was only me.

 

I got very close to my second abuser, and would do anything. He died when I was 20 in a motor bike accident. I was lost as was very close to him and he was all I knew. It stopped just like that. I miscarried 3 times whilst it was happening. I now trust no one. I have a chronic condition ‘endometriosis’ and some people think there is a link between trauma and endometriosis. I don’t know.

 

I try my best to carry on but each day is hard as I have depression and anxiety.

 

During my abuse I still had a normal life as in family/school etc but no one ever knew. They were clever in their grooming slowly slowly at first and as I got older it was easier for them to get me for longer amounts of time. I’m left with a mixture of deep sadness/pain mental and physical anger and I so desperately want to help others who are being abused now.

 

My neighbours had guinea pigs and I loved (still love) animals so would go round to see them, that’s when the grooming started, I was abused by him and his son. I don’t know how old he was but his son was 16 when I was 7.

 

He (older man) would let me upstairs as he talked about a snake. The snake wasn’t real. It started with him asking/telling/forcing  me to touch him and it escalated from there.

 

There were times when his son would be in the room with me and I had to touch him too. It went from every kind of touch to rape. And as I got older more men were involved. I remember being in a war bunker (I actually played there sometimes with friends) with different men/different voices it was half dark and they all wanted sex or similar.

 

I remember a van after school (secondary) where there would be a few of them whilst they assaulted me in the back and above a shop too where lots happened.  I remember a bed and being assaulted/sometimes tied up.

 

My older main abuser died when I was 13 and his son carried on. I was very close to him.  He could be nice but also not so nice.  I’m sure there was money involved. I know it sounds crazy but some were nicer than others and when a ‘nice’ one arrived I was actually relieved ( that breaks my heart now)

It has left me with PTSD/depression and anxiety.

 

I don’t  do ANY relationships. Never have. He died when I was 20.

 

I have endometriosis which is a painful chronic condition so have a mixture of pain from that (although I’ve had surgery which has helped sooooo much) and my abuse.

 

Because I have never ever told anyone in my life this is very lonely to live with, I carry on like I’m absolutely fine although I’m not.  I work, I have family and friends and no one has a clue.

All I’ve ever wanted is like a support person who knows a bit about what happened but we just do normal stuff like a coffee etc

 

I ring helplines lots and I even got an auto barring off The Samaritans as I’d rung I don’t know over 1,000 times in month as I was desperate for someone. I won’t speak to men so I hang up .

 

The Samaritans let me back though. I have had a handful of really bad experiences off helplines and Samaritans ( most are amazing and last night I was on the phone to a lovely lovely lady for 2 and a half hrs)

 

I had a counsellor I was with for 4 years and I left her about 4 years ago but have just started with her again because of lockdown and increased anxiety. She is great with me.  She said she’s met you as I was talking to her about your book.

I don’t know if this makes sense. It’s probably a bit all over the place.

 

I think now in my life I need someone like a friend/support person but every time I’ve tried I’ve failed. Although I do have contact with a few helpline people and as much as it’s not allowed I wasn’t going to turn down the offer of outside contact and I have outside contact with a few Samaritans although that’s gone no where.

 

I feel lost, and really don’t know if this pain will ever leave me……

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