I always knew it made me feel uncomfortable and it wasn’t something I wanted, but from the early years and what I can remember I would just push it to the back of my mind and pretend it wasn’t happening.
I shared a small detail of what was happening to me when I was really young, but sadly it was ignored and after a short while the abuse continued.
Throughout my teenage years the abuse got worse. I tried to avoid it but I was totally trapped and it became almost impossible to live with. The threats, the physical abuse I endured for not doing what I was told and the emotional torture was so horrific.
I learnt to dissociate, to shut off my mind so that whilst I was being raped I could cope with the pain. It was almost like I could disconnect from being present in that moment and it was the only way I kept on going.
Sometimes the abuse was so horrendous I would be physically sick. I would look in the mirror at myself and the body staring back at me didn’t even feel like mine. It belong to others, I had no ownership of it.
It my late teens I spoke up and was finally listened to.
I did get justice for what happened to me, but it will never be enough to take away the pain I endured for so many years. I was robbed of my childhood and I will never know what it feels like to be a child growing up free from abuse……
I’m now in my late 20’s and I have a child of my own. He’s my everything and I strive everyday to give him the childhood I never had.
I’m sharing this with you now because in between all the suffering, the horrific trauma, the suicide attempts, harming my own body, endless nightmares and flashbacks, I have managed to find myself and recover. It’s taken years and many set backs along the way but I’ve done it.
I’ve wanted to give up and just be the abused girl because in some ways it was easier, she was all I knew. Yet, I kept fighting through and with the help of some incredible professionals I’ve made it out the other side. Don’t get me wrong, it will always be a part of me and sometimes it creeps back into my mind but I don’t let it take control anymore.
I never believed I would amount to anything. I thought I was a waste of space, a useless human being who deserved nothing but torture and pain. But over the years I’ve began to accept that all these beliefs are not mine and I am worthy.
This is my message to anyone reading this right now who is experiencing or has experienced sexual abuse, that even when truly awful things happen to you and you feel like you’ll never survive it,
YOU CAN OVERCOME IT