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“I feel lost, and I don’t know if this pain will ever leave me…..”

I  was abused from age 7 to 20. No one in my life knows except doctors/counsellors/helplines or the occasional Samaritan. I carry on every day like I'm absolutely fine. No one would ever know.   It's almost like having two lives which makes me very sad. I was...

Poem 2 by Michelle

In these eyes I hold the key, To a life you will never see. Beneath the surface of fake smiles

Jen is a brave survivor of the most horrific sexual abuse who still struggles every single day……

Categories - Survivor Stories

I WAS REPEATEDLY RAPED, SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, BEATEN AND TORTURED.

At the age of four when I lived with my parents, I suffered from emotional abuse and beatings. At the age six until the age of thirteen I was raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted and beaten by few white men only one of them was jailed. I was also abused by my mum and dad by beatings and they said lots of horrible things to me. They also watched and allowed men to rape, penetrate, sexually assault and beat me.

 

At the age of thirteen I was put in a horrible children’s home an older Pakistani man in his 30s came in to my life. Evil A aka J didn’t need to get to know me as he already knew lots about me. He was nice to me for over a week then he turned evil. All the other men were never nice to me, they just got on with raping and torturing me as well as taking directions from Evil A who enjoyed watching me suffer.

 

For in over nineteen years from the age of thirteen I was repeatedly raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted, beaten, and tortured throughout the UK by almost one thousand Pakistani men. Evil A was one girl business man there were not any other girls/women I was the only girl he has abused and allowed other men raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured me. Evil A had all the money I didn’t get a penny and don’t want any. Evil A said because I’m the only girl he will always get away with it as its my word against all of them. He was a very clever devious man who used many different fake names and moved about a lot. He had many powerful useful friends who he rewarded with cash in return for favours and information (All the money that Evil A paid out he made back with extra on top as he said I was not cheap) The majority of the time Evil A force took me by kidnapping and sedating me, occasionally his two brothers and his dad were involved in taking me throughout the UK to be raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted beaten and tortured by numerous Pakistani men. Evil A enjoyed telling my abusers what to do and what objects to use on me, they did lots of horrible, frightening, painful, disgusting things to my body. I was repeatedly raped vaginally and anally by penis and different objects, I couldn’t always count how many men to there was because more often than not there were so many of them.

 

Most of the men has raped and penetrated me repeatedly.

 

Evil A started raping me on my sixteenth birthday, he waited until then as he believed I was old enough and he could not go to jail. I never had sex with any of them, I was raped, I was not in control, he was , I never went to him, he kept following me and force took me on any occasion I was alone as I tried to go out with friends as much as possible.

 

HERE IS LIST OF HORRIBLE FRIGHTENING, PAINFUL, DISGUSTING THINGS I HAD TO ENDURE >> I had darts chucked at me, pins in my boobs and clitoris, hung up naked hit by belt and other things, I was burnt, beaten up, drugged up, alcohol forced down my mouth, cigarette ash down my mouth, in my anus and vagina. I had my toe nails cut off, they made me lick up spunk of floor, they forced me eat horrible things, dead rats, mice, spunk sandwiches and other things raped me at the same time. They pissed in my mouth and over my naked body, set my hair on fire ( took it out before fully alight) stuffed my vagina, they forced sexual bondage/bdsm, very aggressive and rough with me, put me in lots of pain, put my head in oven raped me at the same time (took my head out before it got too hot) put pegs on my nipples, stapled my body, I was repeatedly raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured, tied up, chained, caged, strapped down, drugged, alcohol forced down me, handcuffed, blindfolded, sedated, I was kicked, punched, chucked around, spat at, strangled, had my hair pulled, they have deep throat me with penis and objects, had penis and objects between my boobs, pulled my nipples and clitoris, They have put ice cubes on my nipples and vagina, injected my clitoris boobs and arms. After I was gang raped they tied me to a tree naked in a dark scary wood, I was cold, shivering, crying and frightened. I was almost drowned by them continually ducking my head under water until I could not hold my breath any longer and was gasping for air, I was almost buried alive as they dug a hole put me in it naked and covered me with soil, left me for a minute then got me out while laughing at me and called me white slag. Lot’s of times I have been tied up naked with my legs apart in a cold smelly basement full of Pakistani men, longest I was kept in a basement was for seven weeks repeatedly raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured by lots of Pakistani men everyday. I had penis and different objects in my vagina and anus at the same time, they have used tools on me, I had gun pointed in my vagina, in my mouth at my head etc.( I’ve not been shot, they just pointed it, threatened and frightened me with it ) I have been cut and stabbed by pen knife, had cigarettes stubbed out on me, pills forced down me etc. It carried on even when on my menstrual cycle as I was anus raped only until my menstrual cycle finished and they continued torturing my body as described above.

 

Through the continued torture, my knees were kicked so many times they are now damaged to the extent my mobility is difficult and I have to take things slowly and regular breaks I’m lucky I can walk but with struggle.

 

Evil A was very aggressive, strict, controlling and dangerous thug, the torture, rape and punishment got worse when I wore the wrong type or colour of clothes/underwear etc that he didn’t like. Evil A always had an excuse to want to hurt me and allowed other men did the same. I never knew what I did wrong to be penetrated, raped, sexual assaulted beaten and tortured. He repeatedly said I belong to him and called me his special white slag.

 

Evil A would often film and take pictures of me being penetrated, raped, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured their faces were always covered to protect their identity mine was shown. He enjoyed watching me being penetrated, raped, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured by other Pakistani men.

 

Many professionals called me a prostitute that I have asked for it, they were very unprofessional, unsympathetic and ignorant to my pleas for help, and I am sure they would have known the difference between sex and rape they were just as bad as my abusers. Since the age of thirteen I have had lots of social workers and support workers the majority of them were not good and didn’t care. I have been let down badly and abused by police, social services and care staff, I now find it difficult to trust most of them.

 

I have a mild learning disability and due to my horrible past experiences I now suffer from depression, anxiety, ptsd, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, fears etc. Also I did self harmed myself by cutting many parts of my body. I have not cut myself for a while and hope I don’t do it again. I do not know what will happen in the future as anything could happen to trigger the feelings again. I went through lots of horrible frightening painful disgusting things when I was a child teenager and adult age 4 – 34.

 

My abusers got me addicted to alcohol,drugs and cigarettes, it has taken me years to end my addiction. I have not had any alcohol, drugs and cigarettes since 2017 which was the last time when I was raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted, beaten and tortured by gang of Pakistani men.

 

For my safety I have more than once moved address, changed my name by deed poll, and I have lost count how many times I’ve changed my mobile number. I was also financially abused and lots of my personal, irreplaceable items was stolen from me. I was left in a lot of debt which has taken me years to clear.

 

I now have good trusted people in my life that are caring and supportive.

 

I’m in regular contact with Maggie Oliver, she is always amazing, kind, supportive and understanding. Maggie is a good listener and always makes time for me. I trust Maggie, I believe she won’t ever let me down and I look forward to meeting up with her.

 

Thank you all so much for reading this, it’s taken me years to have the courage to share my horrible experiences in public. I’ve not wrote everything and every detail, I got lots to write about.

 

If you have/are being abused in any ways please try talk to someone. There is always good people that care and are willing to listen and support you. Please try to remember you are not to blame and not alone.

 

Jen Survivor

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