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Poem by John Roedel

my brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess have become eventually, they couldn't be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on...

Jen is a brave survivor of the most horrific sexual abuse who still struggles every single day……

I WAS REPEATEDLY RAPED, SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, BEATEN AND TORTURED. At the age of four when I lived with my parents, I suffered from emotional abuse and beatings. At the age six until the age of thirteen I was raped, penetrated, sexually assaulted and beaten by few white...

Natural Thinking by Ria Walton

the frondescence of flourishing leaves  coming to life the essence of new life for spring the re birth of trees the birds singing their melodies sweet songs of morning nature alive with fresh new growth buds blooming their energy forthwith to bring, the floral...

The Three Girls Workshop

Three Girls Workshop With lockdown having restricted the hosting of events ‘in person’ the Foundation recently ran on online meet-up centred around the BAFTA award winning BBC mini-series Three Girls.  The programme (for which Maggie worked as the Programme...

VICTIMS’ COMMISSIONER SAYS CULTURE CHANGE TO SUPPORT AGGRIEVED LONG OVERDUE

By Ryan Hooper, PA Chief Reporter  A new, specific law is required to give more rights to those affected by crime, the Victims' Commissioner for England and Wales has said. Dame Vera Baird QC said a change of culture'' was long overdue'' to look after'' victims of...

“I feel lost, and I don’t know if this pain will ever leave me…..”

I  was abused from age 7 to 20. No one in my life knows except doctors/counsellors/helplines or the occasional Samaritan. I carry on every day like I'm absolutely fine. No one would ever know.   It's almost like having two lives which makes me very sad. I was...

Poem 2 by Michelle

In these eyes I hold the key, To a life you will never see. Beneath the surface of fake smiles

This is my life, written down on paper

Categories - Survivor Stories

My name is ‘Rosie’. This is my life written down on paper.

My childhood was not a very good one. My parents were heroin addicts and as you can imagine
they were not very good at being parents. Throughout my whole life I had no boundaries no one
to tell me off. I was basically a child raising myself.

When I was 13-14 I used to hang round with a girl called Laura her parents were also heroin
addicts. One day Laura took me to a flat on BL road in Liverpool. At this flat there were so many
men one of these men was called ahmed he was supposedly dating Laura. I had no idea what
these men were saying as I could not understand their language.

I felt very uncomfortable at this flat but two of the men started to argue and fight with each other I
wondered what was happening. Turns out they were fighting about which one of them was going
to have me. This encounter led to my number being passed around by all these different men and
I was constantly getting phone calls asking me to attend (parties as they called it) I attended a
party at a house on St Road in Liverpool this is were I met Ali. He was so nice at first and he came
across as a bit like a brother. I was plied with free alcohol at this party and my mate Susan was
taken up stairs by Ali.

The other guy in the house literally picked me up and dragged me to the bathroom. I was
screaming and shouting for him to let go. My mate tried to come to me but Ali would not let her
leave the room. I was trapped with this man in the bathroom he started taking his pants down he
grabbed me and started pulling at my clothes. He raped me in that bathroom. once he had
finished he let me out I was completely sober at this point.

My friend came down and I said we’re leaving I told Ali what his mate had done and he told me he
was sorry and that I would never have to see him again.

I never saw Abdul again – Ali kept his word. People wonder why after this rape did I stay in
contact with Ali; can you imagine being a kid in this world surrounded by people who do not see
you? Raising your self in an adult world. These were the first people to ever really take notice. I no
longer felt like a ghost.

After the first rape I was wary but Ali built my trust and I really did trust him. I met tariq through Ali.
these two men would be a constant in my life and would completely destroy me as a person. I
attended tariq’s flat most weeks and parties would be thrown I remember one party I only had one
drink and do not remember much else I woke up in the bed I had no clothes on and bruises all
over my legs. Ali walked into the room and was laughing said I wanted it. At tariq’s house I was
made to sign some contract thing to say I would behave when there and I would stick to his rules.
The parties became more often, the rapes were too. They used to tell me they had videos at the
time and that they would upload if I did not do what they said. Being young I believed this stuff
they were saying. Men started to come from other places like Manchester and Birmingham. Tariq
informed me that he needed me to marry one of his friends. I was so shocked and did not know
what to do. I shaved all my hair completely off to a skin head and bashed all my face in so it
looked like I had done 20 rounds with mike tyson.

When Tariq saw my face he was silent he did not say anything his friend turned up with like 20
family members and they told me that when I do this I would need to move to Warrington and
have a baby with him. The guy I was supposed to be marrying could see the damage I had done
to my face, and it worked…. he did not want to get married. I thought I had got away with it. Tariq
informed me that there would be a party later and I needed to be there.

When I got to the flat there was just 7 men they grabbed me and pinned me down in the bedroom
on the bed two of them held me while the rest took turns to anally rape me. They all had a go I
remember laying there for so long in pain, them laughing. Tariq told me that this was a lesson and
that if I disobeyed him again I will carry on being punished.

At this point I was completely reliant on drink and cocaine. These men also spiked my drink with
ketamine. I was withering away as every rape took a little bit of me, I became so numb to it all.
Life was bad but there was no way out. There was so many men, so many parties, so many rapes.
I realised at one point I missed a period I started to panic. I had thoughts going through my mind I
could never have a child with these people I would be trapped forever. I pumped my body with
overdoses crazy amounts of pills so much drink and drugs I had a friend punch me so hard in the
stomach. It worked and I started to bleed. I was so relieved that I just went back to normal carried
on like nothing.

In 2012 I was still being made to go to these parties and be raped by men. Sometimes it was one
sometimes, sometimes 6, maybe more. July 2012 I went to prison and for the first time in a long
time I could breathe! I loved it. I got free from drink drugs and being raped. Them 6 months were
amazing for me and it gave me a chance at life.

When released I was given a probation officer. She said I needed to stay free of drink which was
going to be hard as when I got released Tariq was waiting for me and the parties resumed, but
this time it was different. The rapes were different cos I was sober. I realised I could not go back
to this life and I told Tariq I had told my probation officer about what was going on. The look on
his face told me I now had the power. Tariq fled to Pakistan pretty much right away I did tell my
probation officer but I was not ready for police.

I was never raped by them again. I tried to build a life, heal from my wounds. It was so difficult
though. I went through stages of mental health and hurting myself. I went back to studying I have
studied mental health and counselling skills. I finally had the courage to go to police but right
away I was completely aware of how overwhelmed they looked by all these men’s names and by
how many incidents they could not keep up with the information.

They kept trying to talk me out of it saying there will never be a conviction. I realised right away
they were not even trying. They confirmed Tariq was still in Pakistan and they had no way of
bringing him back. They only spoke to one of the men and that was Ali, even though I named over
20 men and there is many more.

The police said they would have to do further interviews about the other men I named, but didn’t.
The police failed to talk to my ex probation officer and my ex counsellor. Also one of the other
victims Joanne was not re interviewed after saying she would need to be. Joanne’s dad and step
mum were not interviewed to confirm these men were caught at their house. Information they
have may also be able to help give an exact date of one incident. My ex partner was not
interviewed even though we were together for 5 years. I also found the police did not take
information properly. They also did not take it serious that these men were trying to contact me
through the investigation as the men were made aware by someone. After the police spoke to Ali,
they also said one of them had an alibi for the date of the offence when I had not given police a
specific date as this happened over years……

I have still never received justice and I have no trust in the system or those who should have
protected me as a child.

(All names have been changed to protect the identity of the survivor)

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