The shame is all yours, A letter to my abuser

Having to write this at all makes me angry. Angry that what you did to me many years ago is still with me today. That’s not my fault though, that’s yours. You once told me I might hate you one day and I couldn’t understand what you meant. I couldn’t understand because I was a child and you had taken my vulnerabilities and manipulated me into situations no child should experience. Yet you knew, you understood. As an adult, you knew exactly what you were doing, the harm you were bringing to me, yet you didn’t stop. Your disgusting and unnatural desires were more important to you than any of the children you were harming. 

Selfish is to tame a word to describe what you did.

How dare you take what you did from me? How dare you steal my first experiences of my sexuality? How dare you haunt my memories! How dare you utilise the naivety of someone who cared for you in such a brutal and despicable way? 

How dare you share me around like you did? Offering me out like a prize trophy, I was not for your giving!

I remember how you used language to normalise such an unnatural situation. Alcohol and weed your weapon of choice, increasing my vulnerability. I remember your compliments and affection that I misunderstood for love. They were just more tools to lure me into your selfish fantasies.

You are a coward, a predator and although I was your prey once, I am not anymore.

As an adult, mother, wife, aunt, I see now clearer than ever how vile you are. I however am strong, capable and a good person. I have overcome so much, not only distancing myself from you but so much more. Although I am still healing, I am no longer willing to feel your guilt, your shame, your fear. The guilt is all yours, you had no right to do what you did to me. The shame is all yours, you should drown in the shame of your actions. The fear is all yours, I am no longer scared of what I have been through. I own my experiences. I move forward with wisdom that allows me to have empathy, be kind and care and love all the people around me. I hope you live in fear that one day you will be caught. I have nothing to hide anymore.

I am no longer minimizing my experiences or letting them drive me but I accept them. I will continue to move forward and have a positive impact on the world.

I am nothing like you and I will be ok.

Anon, 36